How could someone you’ve known for a year suddenly become a stranger? How could that someone you loved so deeply become someone you don’t recognize anymore? How could someone you let into your world feel like someone who doesn’t belong in it? How could a spark that was once so strong suddenly disappear?
It’s heart-ache. It’s the pain that close someone made you feel, even if it wasn’t their intention. It’s the grieving stages. It’s the feeling of loss. It’s the emotion-wreck that your heart feels. It’s what your mind understood but your heart still didn’t get.
The memories are slowly evaporating. I would go back, trying to remember, and then I realize half of my memories are gone. There’s only mini flashbacks left.
The problem lies in the heart. It takes longer to process after it’s been broken. It’s not as strong as it used to be. Emotions crash and you just can’t figure out what you’re feeling or how you feel about that special someone. Some days, you miss them. Some days, you hate them. Some days, you’re curious and stalking. Some days, you don’t give a fuck. Some days, you’re back to pain. Some days, you’re sad and crying on cue. Some days, you’re happy and thankful to them. And some days, you’re peaceful.
It’s a storm of emotions making you doubt that close someone, and their intentions. And when doubting steps in, that close someone becomes a stranger to you.
(Image Credits: Paul Phung)
A devilish, amazing feeling crept in out of the blue. It felt good for a short while until my rationalism woke up from its nap. A loop was forming, almost closing. I got myself out easily the first time. This time it’s different; I have genuine and deeper feelings. I had to get out before I get stuck in this dead-end circle and fall apart. I still had enough time to get out through the loophole; I just had to let go of that loving thought, for good.
I knew exactly how to do that, but I was too fragile and selfish to do it. You may not realize how strong your heart can be until you start falling in love. Your heart, at this point, is mightier than your brain and the damage caused is bigger. My brain and my heart were in battle; my tongue was tied and I couldn’t express anything. He had to get the words out of me, and my heart weakened as I saw him struggle. He was hurt by my actions. So my brain finally took control and untied my tongue. Every word was forced out of my mouth, but eventually, the message was out and clear. We have to let go of each other, for good this time. It was hard and I hated it, yet, it is for the best.
Love and relationships are so simplified by the media. My first relationship isn’t what I expected it to be; it was just like Princess Ann and Joe Bradley in the Roman Holiday. A happy beginning and a painful ending.
It came unexpectedly and I couldn’t be happier.
It is not one thing; it is a collection of souvenirs. It is that touch, that smile, that look, that kiss, that lick, that smell that is all over my skin! That fragrance that I sleep with, think about and crave for.
It doesn’t really smell like a cologne brand anymore. It smells like him. Somehow that fragrance isn’t a product anymore; it is associated with him. When I smell it, I smell him.
I’m just thankful for that fragrance.
Image source: http://www.dirtyandthirty.com/wp-content/upload
It was unexpected, far from expected!
Then came that fraction-of-the-second touch and everything changed.
A sensation of closeness grew stronger and warmer. More intense, more exciting than the second before.
I wanted more. I felt greedy with CRAVE.
I CRAVED that amazing, heart-racing, tingling feeling that crept under my skin and I didn’t want to let go.
I was willing to take risks, to ignore ridiculous ‘society standards’ that made the enjoyable a taboo, that made life suck more! I was willing to let go just to experience an extra second of pleasure, happiness, rush.
It’s my new, sweet addiction and I don’t need saving.
It saved me.
I am no longer from rotting in the coffin of boredom. I am brought to the light of life.
I am usually an extremely caring, generous, understanding person. But, things will get ugly if I suspect the other party is using me to their advantage in a sneaky way. I can’t describe to which extent my thoughts would reach to. I feel something is boiling inside of me and I am about to explode at any second. I’ve been in this place so many times when dating. I have not fallen in love yet, and I am not in a rush. Till this day, I have no idea what romantic love really is. This is because when I get to dating, I tend to be overly caring and a great listener. If the feelings of the other party disappear, they don’t disclose it. They’d rather keep talking to me for their own advantage. I’ve been with those who use me as a listener as if I am a therapist or a shoulder to cry on literally. I’ve been with those who played nice and “the good guy” to lure me and when I played too hard to get, they confessed of their true intentions after living in a lie they made me believe. I have been with those who wanted my professional background to help with their project. Once they got what they needed, they ghosted. As if I was an object, senseless, heartless without emotions. As if I didn’t really exist.
My friend was telling me dating has changed so much since her days. It was much easier since they weren’t very exposed to social media, texting, the media. They didn’t see much. If they date, it’s a date. If they kiss, it was a commitment just like marriage. She said she had never experienced ghosting, or pretending, or hard times while dating. And, she’s right. I doubt “love” or “feelings” still exist with all this technology around people making everything instant, fast and available when they need it. Before they even know it, it’s defining their personalities, their attitudes, their behaviors, and actions.
Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather have a face-to-face conversation with someone for hours than to text day and night. I’d rather go on adventures, take risks and have fun face-to-face. I’d rather have a surprise in person, not by text or a call. I’d rather be living a simple, farm life with my cows and plants than living in a big city life filled with liars and actors.
I can’t believe this world has become like this, full of dishonest intentions.
I spent the last week watching 1950s and 1960s romantic movies. Every second of each movie swept me away. The love was so authentic, so pure, so personal. There was a lot of interaction between two people, even though it was harder to communicate than today. Nowadays, there is still interaction but only behind the screen.
Whenever I go on a date, the first thing they ask me is about my presence online. Do you have Whatsapp? Are you on Facebook? Can you add me? Do you have an Instagram? I’d like to check you out!
But why? What will my Facebook profile give you? Will it answer your questions about who I really am? Or do you just care about outer beauty, that inner beauty no longer matters to you? Are people today this shallow and that addicted to tech? That they’d rather spend days and nights texting and stalking behind a screen than actually being with someone in person.
I want to go back to the old days when dating had more meaning, more value, more anticipation, and suspense. You want to know me better, let’s meet and we’ll talk. Let’s flirt, in person. Let’s dance in the streets at night and be silly, in person. Let’s laugh and cry, in person. Show me some personality, in person!
My Facebook profile won’t tell or show you anything!
I don’t know if such people still exist. Do they?
Not too hot and not too cold.
Your touch gives me the chills and shivers.
Your touch gives me the warmness and coziness.
At the same time.
Your touch makes me obsessed, addicted.
Your touch makes me helpless, fragile.
Your touch makes me alive again, again.
At the same time.
Not too hot to burn me alive
Not too cold to freeze me alive
Just temperature right, enough
To keep my heart racing, my cheeks blushing, my lips wet
Your touch is what I need right now, every day.