Now I Hate You


Sometimes I wonder where I stand in terms of my emotions. I really don’t know. My emotions are changing day by day. I know that my heart is still broken and I am still thinking about him but I don’t miss him like I used to and I don’t feel the same way about him.

But recently, my emotions have been stuck on hate, hate, hate!
I feel hate as I remember all the things that went wrong and I let them slip. Maybe I am angry at me more for being blindly and stupidly in love. Because, I loved him with all my heart, without ulterior motives.

I sometimes imagine bumping into him and I’d try to predict the possible scenarios and right now, in all scenarios, my heart is filled with hate.

Here’s why:

I hate you for breaking my heart.

I hate you for the pain I felt.

I hate you for pretending and lying to my face for three weeks.

I hate you for planning for vacations together when you were thinking of dating other women.

I hate you for whispering “babeee, don’t act stupid” and making me feel like shit because you were too embarrassed to be with me in public.

I hate you for seeing all of your ex’s flaws in me. Every time we fight, you would think the worst of me as if I could hurt you like your ex did.

I hate you for letting me doubt that you didn’t love me truly, and it was all a lie. I feel like you have always seen me as a standby. Maybe you were using me to forget your ex. Maybe I filled the gap.

I hate you for still seeing me as a standby even after we broke up.

I hate you for asking me if I am willing to be in an open relationship as if I was never enough.

I hate you for hesitating because you couldn’t decide what you wanted after tearing me apart.

I hate you for planning our futures together and then telling me I don’t see a future of us together.

I hate you for telling me not to wait for you because you already found someone and my doubts were in their place.

I hate you for initiating the first break up via text after a 1 year relationship which showed how little you respected me and how little I meant to you.

I hate you for acting like an idiot after our first big fight and suddenly pulling away.

I hate you for your tone inconsistencies when we text. One minute the conversation goes  smoothly then all of the sudden your words are dry and you pull away. And, I am there wondering what I said wrong and feeling guilty. I hate you for making me feel this way.

I hate you for sending mixed signals.

I hate that you couldn’t accept my flaws when I accepted your worst.

I hate you for hating that I cared so much.

I hate you for your emotional cheating.

I hate you for making me hate you and even more for filling my heart with hate.

I hate that moment when I asked you: “If I told you I wanted to leave this relationship, would you try to stop me or convince me otherwise?” and you said: “No, I wouldn’t. I’d let you go if that’s what you want.” I was shocked. You didn’t want to fight for “us” to stay together because to you, there was never saw an “us”, and you never really cared. It was all a lie. I hate myself even more because I let it slip away and didn’t end the relationship myself.

I hoped that by putting these hateful feelings into words, it would help me get rid of them from my heart and just maybe I’ll be at peace again…

 

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(Image Credits: SocialSpy.ng)

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Now A Stranger


How could someone you’ve known for a year suddenly become a stranger? How could that someone you loved so deeply become someone you don’t recognize anymore? How could someone you let into your world feel like someone who doesn’t belong in it? How could a spark that was once so strong suddenly disappear?

It’s heart-ache. It’s the pain that close someone made you feel, even if it wasn’t their intention. It’s the grieving stages. It’s the feeling of loss. It’s the emotion-wreck that your heart feels. It’s what your mind understood but your heart still didn’t get.

The memories are slowly evaporating. I would go back, trying to remember, and then I realize half of my memories are gone. There’s only mini flashbacks left.

The problem lies in the heart. It takes longer to process after it’s been broken. It’s not as strong as it used to be. Emotions crash and you just can’t figure out what you’re feeling or how you feel about that special someone. Some days, you miss them. Some days, you hate them. Some days, you’re curious and stalking. Some days, you don’t give a fuck. Some days, you’re back to pain. Some days, you’re sad and crying on cue. Some days, you’re happy and thankful to them. And some days, you’re peaceful.

It’s a storm of emotions making you doubt that close someone, and their intentions. And when doubting steps in, that close someone becomes a stranger to you.

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(Image Credits: Paul Phung)

 

Dishonest Intentions


I am usually an extremely caring, generous, understanding person. But, things will get ugly if I suspect the other party is using me to their advantage in a sneaky way. I can’t describe to which extent my thoughts would reach to. I feel something is boiling inside of me and I am about to explode at any second. I’ve been in this place so many times when dating. I have not fallen in love yet, and I am not in a rush. Till this day, I have no idea what romantic love really is. This is because when I get to dating, I tend to be overly caring and a great listener. If the feelings of the other party disappear, they don’t disclose it. They’d rather keep talking to me for their own advantage. I’ve been with those who use me as a listener as if I am a therapist or a shoulder to cry on literally. I’ve been with those who played nice and “the good guy” to lure me and when I played too hard to get, they confessed of their true intentions after living in a lie they made me believe. I have been with those who wanted my professional background to help with their project. Once they got what they needed, they ghosted. As if I was an object, senseless, heartless without emotions. As if I didn’t really exist.

My friend was telling me dating has changed so much since her days. It was much easier since they weren’t very exposed to social media, texting, the media. They didn’t see much. If they date, it’s a date. If they kiss, it was a commitment just like marriage. She said she had never experienced ghosting, or pretending, or hard times while dating. And, she’s right. I doubt “love” or “feelings” still exist with all this technology around people making everything instant, fast and available when they need it. Before they even know it, it’s defining their personalities, their attitudes, their behaviors, and actions.

Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather have a face-to-face conversation with someone for hours than to text day and night. I’d rather go on adventures, take risks and have fun face-to-face. I’d rather have a surprise in person, not by text or a call. I’d rather be living a simple, farm life with my cows and plants than living in a big city life filled with liars and actors.

I can’t believe this world has become like this, full of dishonest intentions.

Erupting Emotions


We act on emotions. Sometimes it is the right thing to do, but at other times, it can hurt us and the other person involved.

Sometimes we judge too quickly without thinking about the consequences or how it will affect the other personally. Our emotions cloud over our mind and prevent us from seeing things clearly. Our mind then no longer has the ability or tolerance to calm down and see how the other person percieves his/her choices.

Sometimes judging too quickly could awaken and raise awareness to the other. Our emotions erupt and we say things we refuse to say when conscious and the other person feels pressured and embarrassed.

This is good when that person is doing something illegal, and ethically wrong. However, that doesn’t mean that our emotions should create a block and prevent us from listening to what the other person has to say. What if the child is neglected by the parents? What if someone was bullied? What if someone was in a state of depression?

Don’t let your emotions erupt immediately. Give it time to erupt in the right time, when things get out of control. But before that, just listen! Maybe there is something happening to them that they were ashamed to share? What if they are afraid you’d disapprove?

What is Red?


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The first thing that comes to mind when I hear “red” is color. Red is one of the colors of the rainbow, the color of an apple, the color of blood, the color of some objects, the color of red nail polish, the color of rouge lipstick, the color of cherry, the color of strawberry, the color of tomato and the color of the heart. “Red” colors a lot of things but only one stands out the most: The Heart. We talk almost every day about factors that affect the heart, from heart diseases to cardio exercises to love that make the heart go crazy. The heart needs a lot of care from our side since it brings us to life; without a heart we can’t exist. We need to keep it pumping by daily exercise, by eating the right food, and by being alive with emotions. But we need to watch out not to overdo it so that we don’t hurt it; everything in moderation is good.

We see the color of red celebrated in events such as Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Christmas is filled with happiness, laughter, tears and unity. Valentine’s Day is filled with love and affection. Both days affect the heart in a good and bad way, depending on the situation and how much the person himself could endure. A sudden break up on Valentine’s Day would make your heart pump faster than it should due to shock and one must be aware of this as it may cause a stroke. Laughing too hard on Christmas would tire the heart, and it is important to give it a break from time to time since our heart is a multi-tasker. I know they say it’s better to follow your logic before your heart, but sometimes you need to listen to your heart to know what is best for you. The heart’s purpose is to keep you alive.

I started with questioning the word “red”, it got answered by color and ended up talking about the heart. Some things we take for granted and forget their real meaning to us. It is only when you let yourself go with the conversation without deeply thinking about it and the real definition slips out and the talk ends with it.

So my answer to my question is: Red is the heart.

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Of course, this is only my side of the answer. Red is different for everyone.

What is your Red?

Fraudulent Marriages


I’ve heard about these issues a lot; people getting married for money or to gain citizenship and then they divorce once they get what they want.

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I’m sorry … what is this?! Are you sure this is called “marriage”?? I think you mean, “manipulation”! 

I am not talking about the case where they both agree on the conditions. Rather, I am talking about those being stabbed in the back! Why? What will they get from money or citizenship? Temporary happiness and short-term benefits. But have they ever looked further?! They hurt someone, manipulated them with a harsh, cold and selfish soul filled with lies of affection and love just to get where they want. And still I ask, why??!! 

I’ll tell you why, because some people aren’t able to control themselves correctly; they let their emotions get hold on them and guide them through greediness and selfishness without thinking it over. It’s like their brains are sitting in their skulls for decoration. 

People should stop this! This is not fair…

If you are still not convinced, well, how about if someone did that to you?! Made you fall in love with them, care about them for years and then suddenly, out of the blue, they say: ” I don’t this is gonna work out. We should end it! I want to divorce.” How would you feel then?!