It’s Wrong But …


I still don’t understand how it happened. I am the one who ended things between us due to lack of feelings from both our sides.  We kept communicating as friends and even less. A week after the break-up I didn’t feel anything at all. I actually felt relieved that we discussed this openly without any problems. I was happy with this decision. By mid of next week, a new feeling arises, a troublesome amazing one! I miss him. I miss him a lot! I miss being with him, talking to him, listening to him, trying more adventures with him. I was more alive when I was with him. I also changed without realizing it until yesterday when I was with him. My laziness decreased, my enthusiasm went up, my shyness was gone, I felt I was with someone very close, someone I can trust. I just wanted to see his and talk to him and hug him. But my feelings grew stronger when I saw and hugged him; I just couldn’t let go and I wanted to kiss him badly. And we did. And I couldn’t stop. Nor did he. I was enjoying it this time for real. This time I actually had a real, loving feeling for him. He told me he was trying to date someone and I knew what I did was wrong but my emotions were too strong I couldn’t sit still anymore. I don’t want to cut him off. He’s an amazing, caring, honest soul and it’s rare to find a close someone like him.

Should I let go of these feelings and go back to dating, or wait till I’m ready to meet someone new and get busy with my career?

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Care for a cup of tea?


So we can talk about life at 2 A.M. in the morning.

Scenario 1:

No? I didn’t think so.

Care for a drink so we can go to your place and have a good time, then?

Yes? I got your attention. But, I also got the answer. And here’s mine: No, thank you!

 

Scenario 2:

Yes? We are a rarity, my dear!

So how do you think the ‘you’ in a parallel universe would act like?

(Fast forward 5 hours later)

That was the best date ever!
Would you like to solve a 1000 piece-puzzle on the rooftop tomorrow at 2 A.M.?

Yes? Great! See you 🙂

 

I won’t add to this a lot. I think the message is clear above. It’s rare these days to get a worthwhile date/meeting with someone without having to do with drinks and a one night stand. An odd conversation in an odd place at an odd time is just perfect! A cliche conversation in a cliche place at a cliche time is just pure bullshit and a waste of time!

 

Image result for tea vintage

 

Pursue A Dead-End


I knew it was a dead-end from the second week. I was bored. My instincts told me so. One of my close friends sent me a warning. But, I didn’t want to give up just yet. I waited a week and another. Nothing has changed; same old same old.

Just now, I made my final decision: I’m done! Why should pursue someone not worth pursuing? Why should I waste my energy on someone who doesn’t deserve to receive it? Why should I feel bad for someone who is selfish and negative? Why should I care and listen if he doesn’t listen back, or show the slightest interest?

Why should pursue someone who is not worth pursuing? Why should I waste my energy on someone who doesn’t deserve it? Why should I feel bad for someone who is selfish and negative? Why should I care and listen if he doesn’t listen back, or show the slightest interest?

They told me I made the same mistake with every date: My patience runs off quickly and I don’t know how to wait. I get pissed off quickly. I need to give it time. It takes time.

I felt as the bad person and I decided to give more time and maybe try a little harder, maybe it would work.

Well, it didn’t. And I ended up feeling worse. Of all the men I met, I was always the one who put in the most effort and ended getting slapped in the face, figuratively. I guess the reason I can’t wait too long is because, at this point, I need to love and be loved. I need this affection. Before, it was just a “want”, a “try”.

Of all the men I met, I was always the one who put in the most effort and ended getting slapped in the face, figuratively. I guess the reason I can’t wait too long is because, at this point, I need to love and be loved. I need this affection. Before, it was just a “want”, a “try”.   this experience, in particular, I was lost. I didn’t know who was advising me right. One friend told me to give it time, another told me she didn’t trust him, mom gave him excuses and told me to give it time. My guts were telling me to quit after the first week; they were telling me it’s a dead end.

This experience, in particular, I was lost. I didn’t know who was advising me right. One friend told me to give it time, another told me she didn’t trust him, mom gave him excuses and told me to give it time. My guts were telling me to quit after the first week; they were telling me it’s a dead-end.

My gut always won and I ended up giving myself false hope and feeling guilty.

Well not anymore! Starting now, that who doesn’t deserve my attention, won’t get it.

There’s no point in going after a dead-end, pain, headache, drama.

There’s no point in going after someone just because he’s a good person and has a good job and ambitions, and, and … There’s no point in going after someone who suddenly shows no interest. There’s no point in going after someone who texts “good morning” like it’s a duty. It just doesn’t make sense. I am not looking for marriage or to settle. I just need that affection, that love, that feeling!

Unfortunately, people don’t care about that feeling anymore. They just want to settle for the ease and wealth.

 

 

Dishonest Intentions


I am usually an extremely caring, generous, understanding person. But, things will get ugly if I suspect the other party is using me to their advantage in a sneaky way. I can’t describe to which extent my thoughts would reach to. I feel something is boiling inside of me and I am about to explode at any second. I’ve been in this place so many times when dating. I have not fallen in love yet, and I am not in a rush. Till this day, I have no idea what romantic love really is. This is because when I get to dating, I tend to be overly caring and a great listener. If the feelings of the other party disappear, they don’t disclose it. They’d rather keep talking to me for their own advantage. I’ve been with those who use me as a listener as if I am a therapist or a shoulder to cry on literally. I’ve been with those who played nice and “the good guy” to lure me and when I played too hard to get, they confessed of their true intentions after living in a lie they made me believe. I have been with those who wanted my professional background to help with their project. Once they got what they needed, they ghosted. As if I was an object, senseless, heartless without emotions. As if I didn’t really exist.

My friend was telling me dating has changed so much since her days. It was much easier since they weren’t very exposed to social media, texting, the media. They didn’t see much. If they date, it’s a date. If they kiss, it was a commitment just like marriage. She said she had never experienced ghosting, or pretending, or hard times while dating. And, she’s right. I doubt “love” or “feelings” still exist with all this technology around people making everything instant, fast and available when they need it. Before they even know it, it’s defining their personalities, their attitudes, their behaviors, and actions.

Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather have a face-to-face conversation with someone for hours than to text day and night. I’d rather go on adventures, take risks and have fun face-to-face. I’d rather have a surprise in person, not by text or a call. I’d rather be living a simple, farm life with my cows and plants than living in a big city life filled with liars and actors.

I can’t believe this world has become like this, full of dishonest intentions.