Now I Hate You


Sometimes I wonder where I stand in terms of my emotions. I really don’t know. My emotions are changing day by day. I know that my heart is still broken and I am still thinking about him but I don’t miss him like I used to and I don’t feel the same way about him.

But recently, my emotions have been stuck on hate, hate, hate!
I feel hate as I remember all the things that went wrong and I let them slip. Maybe I am angry at me more for being blindly and stupidly in love. Because, I loved him with all my heart, without ulterior motives.

I sometimes imagine bumping into him and I’d try to predict the possible scenarios and right now, in all scenarios, my heart is filled with hate.

Here’s why:

I hate you for breaking my heart.

I hate you for the pain I felt.

I hate you for pretending and lying to my face for three weeks.

I hate you for planning for vacations together when you were thinking of dating other women.

I hate you for whispering “babeee, don’t act stupid” and making me feel like shit because you were too embarrassed to be with me in public.

I hate you for seeing all of your ex’s flaws in me. Every time we fight, you would think the worst of me as if I could hurt you like your ex did.

I hate you for letting me doubt that you didn’t love me truly, and it was all a lie. I feel like you have always seen me as a standby. Maybe you were using me to forget your ex. Maybe I filled the gap.

I hate you for still seeing me as a standby even after we broke up.

I hate you for asking me if I am willing to be in an open relationship as if I was never enough.

I hate you for hesitating because you couldn’t decide what you wanted after tearing me apart.

I hate you for planning our futures together and then telling me I don’t see a future of us together.

I hate you for telling me not to wait for you because you already found someone and my doubts were in their place.

I hate you for initiating the first break up via text after a 1 year relationship which showed how little you respected me and how little I meant to you.

I hate you for acting like an idiot after our first big fight and suddenly pulling away.

I hate you for your tone inconsistencies when we text. One minute the conversation goes  smoothly then all of the sudden your words are dry and you pull away. And, I am there wondering what I said wrong and feeling guilty. I hate you for making me feel this way.

I hate you for sending mixed signals.

I hate that you couldn’t accept my flaws when I accepted your worst.

I hate you for hating that I cared so much.

I hate you for your emotional cheating.

I hate you for making me hate you and even more for filling my heart with hate.

I hate that moment when I asked you: “If I told you I wanted to leave this relationship, would you try to stop me or convince me otherwise?” and you said: “No, I wouldn’t. I’d let you go if that’s what you want.” I was shocked. You didn’t want to fight for “us” to stay together because to you, there was never saw an “us”, and you never really cared. It was all a lie. I hate myself even more because I let it slip away and didn’t end the relationship myself.

I hoped that by putting these hateful feelings into words, it would help me get rid of them from my heart and just maybe I’ll be at peace again…

 

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(Image Credits: SocialSpy.ng)

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Now A Stranger


How could someone you’ve known for a year suddenly become a stranger? How could that someone you loved so deeply become someone you don’t recognize anymore? How could someone you let into your world feel like someone who doesn’t belong in it? How could a spark that was once so strong suddenly disappear?

It’s heart-ache. It’s the pain that close someone made you feel, even if it wasn’t their intention. It’s the grieving stages. It’s the feeling of loss. It’s the emotion-wreck that your heart feels. It’s what your mind understood but your heart still didn’t get.

The memories are slowly evaporating. I would go back, trying to remember, and then I realize half of my memories are gone. There’s only mini flashbacks left.

The problem lies in the heart. It takes longer to process after it’s been broken. It’s not as strong as it used to be. Emotions crash and you just can’t figure out what you’re feeling or how you feel about that special someone. Some days, you miss them. Some days, you hate them. Some days, you’re curious and stalking. Some days, you don’t give a fuck. Some days, you’re back to pain. Some days, you’re sad and crying on cue. Some days, you’re happy and thankful to them. And some days, you’re peaceful.

It’s a storm of emotions making you doubt that close someone, and their intentions. And when doubting steps in, that close someone becomes a stranger to you.

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(Image Credits: Paul Phung)

 

Tingling


It was unexpected, far from expected!

Then came that fraction-of-the-second touch and everything changed.

A sensation of closeness grew stronger and warmer. More intense, more exciting than the second before.

I wanted more. I felt greedy with CRAVE.

I CRAVED that amazing, heart-racing, tingling feeling that crept under my skin and I didn’t want to let go.

I was willing to take risks, to ignore ridiculous ‘society standards’ that made the enjoyable a taboo, that made life suck more! I was willing to let go just to experience an extra second of pleasure, happiness, rush.

It’s my new, sweet addiction and I don’t need saving.

It saved me.

I am no longer from rotting in the coffin of boredom. I am brought to the light of life.

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

Clarity


We all deserve clarity and it’s your right to ask for it. It’s just how the other party responds that matters, not what the final answer is.

Today, I demanded clarity. My mind needed it to be in peace. I am an honest person and I can’t let go of loose endings as if nothing has happened.

This person responded. He was defensive and tried to play innocent. Instead of holding responsibility and apologizing for his actions, he turned the blame on me.

Of course, I didn’t let him win! I’m right and I am not afraid to stand up for myself. I fought back and reminded him of his mistake. So, he thought he’d shut me up with a childish gesture.

Surprisingly, I am happy this happened because I was able to see who he really was behind the mask. If he can’t take responsibility or at least apologize for the smallest mistake, how would he react to more serious mistakes? Definitely, blame it on me and escape!

I finally learned that he was just another wrong guy who walked into my life and, thankfully, I’m over him completely.

No Personal-ity


I spent the last week watching 1950s and 1960s romantic movies. Every second of each movie swept me away. The love was so authentic, so pure, so personal. There was a lot of interaction between two people, even though it was harder to communicate than today. Nowadays, there is still interaction but only behind the screen.

Whenever I go on a date, the first thing they ask me is about my presence online. Do you have Whatsapp? Are you on Facebook? Can you add me? Do you have an Instagram? I’d like to check you out!

But why? What will my Facebook profile give you? Will it answer your questions about who I really am? Or do you just care about outer beauty, that inner beauty no longer matters to you? Are people today this shallow and that addicted to tech? That they’d rather spend days and nights texting and stalking behind a screen than actually being with someone in person.

I want to go back to the old days when dating had more meaning, more value, more anticipation, and suspense. You want to know me better, let’s meet and we’ll talk. Let’s flirt, in person. Let’s dance in the streets at night and be silly, in person. Let’s laugh and cry, in person. Show me some personality, in person!

My Facebook profile won’t tell or show you anything!

I don’t know if such people still exist. Do they?

Go Unfuck Yourself


Many people use the phrase “Go Fuck Yourself” when they’re pissed at someone.  It just happens to be the only phrase that comes to mind.

It’s part of our dictionary.

But have you ever wondered about using the phrase “Go Unfuck Yourself” for positive intentions?

To me, “Go Unfuck Yourself” means: Be who you were before all the problems and thoughts happened that dimmed your soul! 

So if you’re upset with someone and at the same time you don’t want to hurt them, use this phrase instead.

So, this is to everyone reading this and is buried in their problems and bad thoughts: Go Unfuck Yourselves and Have a Good Day!