What triggers my depression is a simple thought. A thought of a memory or a thought questioning a matter or a thought of a dream I’m still seeking.
My first depression episode happened in July 2018 when my one-year relationship had ended and I was left with a feeling of emptiness. That relationship was a toxic one; I depended my happiness on that person and I never did anything for myself. It was always the two of us. I never filled my soul with fire and passion; never pursued a hobby and I even forgot about my friends and family. When it was over, I felt alone. A failure, empty, useless, unhappy. I was down all the time, hated everything, everyone and myself. I was angry at everything. One time I’m crying my heart out, the next I’m fighting to put a smile on my face, and most of the times I’m dead inside and out.
This episode has lasted for months. There were three weeks of freedom where I was busy with work and my mind never had the time to drift away. I was free from depression. Then, the busyness ended and my mind was free again. I kept revisiting old memories and it brought me down even more. I knew I wasn’t ready to meet other people; I knew I had to fix me first. To heal and figure out what will make my soul happy and alive again. I started volunteering; it made me smile. I attended talks; it sparked my soul and mind. But, it still wasn’t enough. I needed something more.
Depression episodes kept coming in and out since July 2018 till the end of December 2018. Then I went on a small vacation with my sister and my soul was rejuvenated. During my travel, I forgot about everything and everyone. I just let go and enjoyed every moment. Our plan killed my feet from all the touring around, but it did some healing magic to my soul. I also received a message when I came back that gave me a window of hope. I felt valuable and important and no longer a failure. This message did wonders; I never gave in and kept pushing forward. I kept seeking ways to keep me busy and happy; I started a new hobby. Tango. It got me out of my comfort zone and it used to scare me a lot. Now, it’s that time of the week that I look forward to the most. I also resumed reading. Reading has always made my soul smile. I used to make an excuse that work and people always got in the way that I forgot what it meant to me. Now, I’m back. Whenever I feel down, I open that book, put my worries and thoughts behind, and I just get lost in the book.
At the moment, depression comes in very rarely and for short periods especially since I know how to deal with it.
I think the highlights of this year is figuring myself out and self-care. I never knew how important that was until depression hit me. Loving yourself first before others is very essential to really enjoying life.
I used to do events like random road-trips but it never made me happy because it came with the wrong intention: to show it off on social media. Now, I do things for me; to make me happy. Do things you love for yourself!
Of course, this comes with a price. Letting go. Letting go of the negative thoughts and memories, letting go of toxic people, letting go of people who make you unhappy, letting go of things that no longer serve you, letting go of the past and taking only the lessons learnt with you into the present.
It’s a price you should pay to be happy. It may sound like a bad thing, but the right word is “hard”. Letting go is not easy. It’s a really hard decision. It will get you out of your comfort zone which is scary. But once you do it, you’ll feel lighter. A lot lighter and brighter.