Now I Hate You


Sometimes I wonder where I stand in terms of my emotions. I really don’t know. My emotions are changing day by day. I know that my heart is still broken and I am still thinking about him but I don’t miss him like I used to and I don’t feel the same way about him.

But recently, my emotions have been stuck on hate, hate, hate!
I feel hate as I remember all the things that went wrong and I let them slip. Maybe I am angry at me more for being blindly and stupidly in love. Because, I loved him with all my heart, without ulterior motives.

I sometimes imagine bumping into him and I’d try to predict the possible scenarios and right now, in all scenarios, my heart is filled with hate.

Here’s why:

I hate you for breaking my heart.

I hate you for the pain I felt.

I hate you for pretending and lying to my face for three weeks.

I hate you for planning for vacations together when you were thinking of dating other women.

I hate you for whispering “babeee, don’t act stupid” and making me feel like shit because you were too embarrassed to be with me in public.

I hate you for seeing all of your ex’s flaws in me. Every time we fight, you would think the worst of me as if I could hurt you like your ex did.

I hate you for letting me doubt that you didn’t love me truly, and it was all a lie. I feel like you have always seen me as a standby. Maybe you were using me to forget your ex. Maybe I filled the gap.

I hate you for still seeing me as a standby even after we broke up.

I hate you for asking me if I am willing to be in an open relationship as if I was never enough.

I hate you for hesitating because you couldn’t decide what you wanted after tearing me apart.

I hate you for planning our futures together and then telling me I don’t see a future of us together.

I hate you for telling me not to wait for you because you already found someone and my doubts were in their place.

I hate you for initiating the first break up via text after a 1 year relationship which showed how little you respected me and how little I meant to you.

I hate you for acting like an idiot after our first big fight and suddenly pulling away.

I hate you for your tone inconsistencies when we text. One minute the conversation goes  smoothly then all of the sudden your words are dry and you pull away. And, I am there wondering what I said wrong and feeling guilty. I hate you for making me feel this way.

I hate you for sending mixed signals.

I hate that you couldn’t accept my flaws when I accepted your worst.

I hate you for hating that I cared so much.

I hate you for your emotional cheating.

I hate you for making me hate you and even more for filling my heart with hate.

I hate that moment when I asked you: “If I told you I wanted to leave this relationship, would you try to stop me or convince me otherwise?” and you said: “No, I wouldn’t. I’d let you go if that’s what you want.” I was shocked. You didn’t want to fight for “us” to stay together because to you, there was never saw an “us”, and you never really cared. It was all a lie. I hate myself even more because I let it slip away and didn’t end the relationship myself.

I hoped that by putting these hateful feelings into words, it would help me get rid of them from my heart and just maybe I’ll be at peace again…

 

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(Image Credits: SocialSpy.ng)

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Now A Stranger


How could someone you’ve known for a year suddenly become a stranger? How could that someone you loved so deeply become someone you don’t recognize anymore? How could someone you let into your world feel like someone who doesn’t belong in it? How could a spark that was once so strong suddenly disappear?

It’s heart-ache. It’s the pain that close someone made you feel, even if it wasn’t their intention. It’s the grieving stages. It’s the feeling of loss. It’s the emotion-wreck that your heart feels. It’s what your mind understood but your heart still didn’t get.

The memories are slowly evaporating. I would go back, trying to remember, and then I realize half of my memories are gone. There’s only mini flashbacks left.

The problem lies in the heart. It takes longer to process after it’s been broken. It’s not as strong as it used to be. Emotions crash and you just can’t figure out what you’re feeling or how you feel about that special someone. Some days, you miss them. Some days, you hate them. Some days, you’re curious and stalking. Some days, you don’t give a fuck. Some days, you’re back to pain. Some days, you’re sad and crying on cue. Some days, you’re happy and thankful to them. And some days, you’re peaceful.

It’s a storm of emotions making you doubt that close someone, and their intentions. And when doubting steps in, that close someone becomes a stranger to you.

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(Image Credits: Paul Phung)