Now I Hate You


Sometimes I wonder where I stand in terms of my emotions. I really don’t know. My emotions are changing day by day. I know that my heart is still broken and I am still thinking about him but I don’t miss him like I used to and I don’t feel the same way about him.

But recently, my emotions have been stuck on hate, hate, hate!
I feel hate as I remember all the things that went wrong and I let them slip. Maybe I am angry at me more for being blindly and stupidly in love. Because, I loved him with all my heart, without ulterior motives.

I sometimes imagine bumping into him and I’d try to predict the possible scenarios and right now, in all scenarios, my heart is filled with hate.

Here’s why:

I hate you for breaking my heart.

I hate you for the pain I felt.

I hate you for pretending and lying to my face for three weeks.

I hate you for planning for vacations together when you were thinking of dating other women.

I hate you for whispering “babeee, don’t act stupid” and making me feel like shit because you were too embarrassed to be with me in public.

I hate you for seeing all of your ex’s flaws in me. Every time we fight, you would think the worst of me as if I could hurt you like your ex did.

I hate you for letting me doubt that you didn’t love me truly, and it was all a lie. I feel like you have always seen me as a standby. Maybe you were using me to forget your ex. Maybe I filled the gap.

I hate you for still seeing me as a standby even after we broke up.

I hate you for asking me if I am willing to be in an open relationship as if I was never enough.

I hate you for hesitating because you couldn’t decide what you wanted after tearing me apart.

I hate you for planning our futures together and then telling me I don’t see a future of us together.

I hate you for telling me not to wait for you because you already found someone and my doubts were in their place.

I hate you for initiating the first break up via text after a 1 year relationship which showed how little you respected me and how little I meant to you.

I hate you for acting like an idiot after our first big fight and suddenly pulling away.

I hate you for your tone inconsistencies when we text. One minute the conversation goes  smoothly then all of the sudden your words are dry and you pull away. And, I am there wondering what I said wrong and feeling guilty. I hate you for making me feel this way.

I hate you for sending mixed signals.

I hate that you couldn’t accept my flaws when I accepted your worst.

I hate you for hating that I cared so much.

I hate you for your emotional cheating.

I hate you for making me hate you and even more for filling my heart with hate.

I hate that moment when I asked you: “If I told you I wanted to leave this relationship, would you try to stop me or convince me otherwise?” and you said: “No, I wouldn’t. I’d let you go if that’s what you want.” I was shocked. You didn’t want to fight for “us” to stay together because to you, there was never saw an “us”, and you never really cared. It was all a lie. I hate myself even more because I let it slip away and didn’t end the relationship myself.

I hoped that by putting these hateful feelings into words, it would help me get rid of them from my heart and just maybe I’ll be at peace again…

 

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(Image Credits: SocialSpy.ng)

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Now A Stranger


How could someone you’ve known for a year suddenly become a stranger? How could that someone you loved so deeply become someone you don’t recognize anymore? How could someone you let into your world feel like someone who doesn’t belong in it? How could a spark that was once so strong suddenly disappear?

It’s heart-ache. It’s the pain that close someone made you feel, even if it wasn’t their intention. It’s the grieving stages. It’s the feeling of loss. It’s the emotion-wreck that your heart feels. It’s what your mind understood but your heart still didn’t get.

The memories are slowly evaporating. I would go back, trying to remember, and then I realize half of my memories are gone. There’s only mini flashbacks left.

The problem lies in the heart. It takes longer to process after it’s been broken. It’s not as strong as it used to be. Emotions crash and you just can’t figure out what you’re feeling or how you feel about that special someone. Some days, you miss them. Some days, you hate them. Some days, you’re curious and stalking. Some days, you don’t give a fuck. Some days, you’re back to pain. Some days, you’re sad and crying on cue. Some days, you’re happy and thankful to them. And some days, you’re peaceful.

It’s a storm of emotions making you doubt that close someone, and their intentions. And when doubting steps in, that close someone becomes a stranger to you.

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(Image Credits: Paul Phung)

 

Time to Let Go, For Good.


A devilish, amazing feeling crept in out of the blue. It felt good for a short while until my rationalism woke up from its nap. A loop was forming, almost closing. I got myself out easily the first time. This time it’s different; I have genuine and deeper feelings. I had to get out before I get stuck in this dead-end circle and fall apart. I still had enough time to get out through the loophole; I just had to let go of that loving thought, for good.

I knew exactly how to do that, but I was too fragile and selfish to do it. You may not realize how strong your heart can be until you start falling in love. Your heart, at this point, is mightier than your brain and the damage caused is bigger. My brain and my heart were in battle; my tongue was tied and I couldn’t express anything. He had to get the words out of me, and my heart weakened as I saw him struggle. He was hurt by my actions. So my brain finally took control and untied my tongue.  Every word was forced out of my mouth, but eventually, the message was out and clear. We have to let go of each other, for good this time. It was hard and I hated it, yet, it is for the best.

Love and relationships are so simplified by the media. My first relationship isn’t what I expected it to be; it was just like Princess Ann and Joe Bradley in the Roman Holiday. A happy beginning and a painful ending.

 

Friends?


People come and go. Some stay longer, others end before they even start and a few whom I wished never lasted that long.

I live by two standards in life: Loyalty and Honesty. If you meet those two, at least towards yourself, you can enter my circle. But of course, there are sub-standards for the long-run. It’s actually just one: Can you make time for us? Even if it’s just 5 mins? If not, go away.

Let me tell you a story where I realized something a little too late.

I have only one remaining friend since childhood whom I still talked to, until today. I thought he was a true friend, a close friend. But in reality, he wasn’t. It was until a few days ago that I let the truth in.

When he comes to visit, I am the one who asks about him. I am the one who sets plans to meet. I am the one who persists for another meeting once the first, second and third fails. I am the one who initiates a friendly conversation, which doesn’t last long if it doesn’t feed his interest. He would only initiate a conversation if he wanted something. If we ever meet, pics are rarely to never taken. I shared my deepest secrets with him and he shared none, I came to realize. He also believes that make up and straightening my hair makes me look beautiful. Despite the fact that he knows me well, he still doesn’t know enough.

Why the hell was I still talking to him? I have way better, caring, understanding friends than him! Why is he still an important person in my life when I am not in his. He can’t spare 5 mins of his time to meet and talk! I should’ve never ignored the naked truth and simply let go. I wanted to share the latest highlight in my life, but I’ve been hesitant ever since. So I didn’t. He didn’t seem worth telling.

It’s a little too late now, but it’s better late than never. I’m letting go. Childhood friends … I have none! A few, very special ones remain and I look forward to adding more new special friends along the way in the future.

 

Care for a cup of tea?


So we can talk about life at 2 A.M. in the morning.

Scenario 1:

No? I didn’t think so.

Care for a drink so we can go to your place and have a good time, then?

Yes? I got your attention. But, I also got the answer. And here’s mine: No, thank you!

 

Scenario 2:

Yes? We are a rarity, my dear!

So how do you think the ‘you’ in a parallel universe would act like?

(Fast forward 5 hours later)

That was the best date ever!
Would you like to solve a 1000 piece-puzzle on the rooftop tomorrow at 2 A.M.?

Yes? Great! See you 🙂

 

I won’t add to this a lot. I think the message is clear above. It’s rare these days to get a worthwhile date/meeting with someone without having to do with drinks and a one night stand. An odd conversation in an odd place at an odd time is just perfect! A cliche conversation in a cliche place at a cliche time is just pure bullshit and a waste of time!

 

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Mood Swings


Lots and lots of mood swings!

My mood swings happen suddenly. Sometimes, I’m surprised by them.

They’re also often hidden under my skin. Only those closest to me, get to take a sneak peek. As an introvert, I tend to share very little with as few humans as possible, especially when it comes to my mood swings.

It always impresses me how I can control my emotions despite these sudden mood swings. I guess it’s just my nature. I was born this way; I don’t need to put in an effort to act like I don’t give a fuck. My bitch-resting face came as a gift. I will only smile if there’s a reason to. I will only speak if there’s something worth commenting on or discussing. I will be your friend if you can live up to my standards. I will tell you if I want to. I have mood swings and I don’t have to show them to you unless I feel the need to.

Test me and I won’t give a fuck!

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