Sometimes I wonder where I stand in terms of my emotions. I really don’t know. My emotions are changing day by day. I know that my heart is still broken and I am still thinking about him but I don’t miss him like I used to and I don’t feel the same way about him.
But recently, my emotions have been stuck on hate, hate, hate!
I feel hate as I remember all the things that went wrong and I let them slip. Maybe I am angry at me more for being blindly and stupidly in love. Because, I loved him with all my heart, without ulterior motives.
I sometimes imagine bumping into him and I’d try to predict the possible scenarios and right now, in all scenarios, my heart is filled with hate.
I hate you for breaking my heart.
I hate you for the pain I felt.
I hate you for pretending and lying to my face for three weeks.
I hate you for planning for vacations together when you were thinking of dating other women.
I hate you for whispering “babeee, don’t act stupid” and making me feel like shit because you were too embarrassed to be with me in public.
I hate you for seeing all of your ex’s flaws in me. Every time we fight, you would think the worst of me as if I could hurt you like your ex did.
I hate you for letting me doubt that you didn’t love me truly, and it was all a lie. I feel like you have always seen me as a standby. Maybe you were using me to forget your ex. Maybe I filled the gap.
I hate you for still seeing me as a standby even after we broke up.
I hate you for asking me if I am willing to be in an open relationship as if I was never enough.
I hate you for hesitating because you couldn’t decide what you wanted after tearing me apart.
I hate you for planning our futures together and then telling me I don’t see a future of us together.
I hate you for telling me not to wait for you because you already found someone and my doubts were in their place.
I hate you for initiating the first break up via text after a 1 year relationship which showed how little you respected me and how little I meant to you.
I hate you for acting like an idiot after our first big fight and suddenly pulling away.
I hate you for your tone inconsistencies when we text. One minute the conversation goes smoothly then all of the sudden your words are dry and you pull away. And, I am there wondering what I said wrong and feeling guilty. I hate you for making me feel this way.
I hate you for sending mixed signals.
I hate that you couldn’t accept my flaws when I accepted your worst.
I hate you for hating that I cared so much.
I hate you for your emotional cheating.
I hate you for making me hate you and even more for filling my heart with hate.
I hate that moment when I asked you: “If I told you I wanted to leave this relationship, would you try to stop me or convince me otherwise?” and you said: “No, I wouldn’t. I’d let you go if that’s what you want.” I was shocked. You didn’t want to fight for “us” to stay together because to you, there was never saw an “us”, and you never really cared. It was all a lie. I hate myself even more because I let it slip away and didn’t end the relationship myself.
I hoped that by putting these hateful feelings into words, it would help me get rid of them from my heart and just maybe I’ll be at peace again…
(Image Credits: SocialSpy.ng)