There are a few times where I feel dead inside. I feel empty, worthless. My life has no meaning. Then I get sad, and tears start flowing down my face. I can’t seem to find interest in anything, not even reading books or listening to music or watching a funny episode Friends or Seinfeld. I just lack purpose and feelings. I feel nothing. And here I am sitting on my chair for 6 hours, with no energy to get off my ass.
I don’t know why this happens. There is no trigger; it just happens.
Does anyone go through this? If so, any tips on how to deal with it?
I think there are three types of people who enter your life.
The long-term: The people who you can speak to and see every day.
The on and off: The people who you can speak to and see every once in a while.
The temporary: The people who enter your life for a short period to teach you something and when there job is done, they exit.
In addition to the lesson given from the temporary person, an extra lesson is taught from each type of relationship.
The long-term teaches you how to maintain and strengthen this relationship to keep it going because it’s worth fighting for.
The on and off teaches you not to get attached and cherish this type of relationship. These people are not meant to be in your life everyday but rather every once in a while. Otherwise, the relationship will break.
Lastly, the temporary teaches you let go and move on all over again.
What triggers my depression is a simple thought. A thought of a memory or a thought questioning a matter or a thought of a dream I’m still seeking.
My first depression episode happened in July 2018 when my one-year relationship had ended and I was left with a feeling of emptiness. That relationship was a toxic one; I depended my happiness on that person and I never did anything for myself. It was always the two of us. I never filled my soul with fire and passion; never pursued a hobby and I even forgot about my friends and family. When it was over, I felt alone. A failure, empty, useless, unhappy. I was down all the time, hated everything, everyone and myself. I was angry at everything. One time I’m crying my heart out, the next I’m fighting to put a smile on my face, and most of the times I’m dead inside and out.
This episode has lasted for months. There were three weeks of freedom where I was busy with work and my mind never had the time to drift away. I was free from depression. Then, the busyness ended and my mind was free again. I kept revisiting old memories and it brought me down even more. I knew I wasn’t ready to meet other people; I knew I had to fix me first. To heal and figure out what will make my soul happy and alive again. I started volunteering; it made me smile. I attended talks; it sparked my soul and mind. But, it still wasn’t enough. I needed something more.
Depression episodes kept coming in and out since July 2018 till the end of December 2018. Then I went on a small vacation with my sister and my soul was rejuvenated. During my travel, I forgot about everything and everyone. I just let go and enjoyed every moment. Our plan killed my feet from all the touring around, but it did some healing magic to my soul. I also received a message when I came back that gave me a window of hope. I felt valuable and important and no longer a failure. This message did wonders; I never gave in and kept pushing forward. I kept seeking ways to keep me busy and happy; I started a new hobby. Tango. It got me out of my comfort zone and it used to scare me a lot. Now, it’s that time of the week that I look forward to the most. I also resumed reading. Reading has always made my soul smile. I used to make an excuse that work and people always got in the way that I forgot what it meant to me. Now, I’m back. Whenever I feel down, I open that book, put my worries and thoughts behind, and I just get lost in the book.
At the moment, depression comes in very rarely and for short periods especially since I know how to deal with it.
I think the highlights of this year is figuring myself out and self-care. I never knew how important that was until depression hit me. Loving yourself first before others is very essential to really enjoying life.
I used to do events like random road-trips but it never made me happy because it came with the wrong intention: to show it off on social media. Now, I do things for me; to make me happy. Do things you love for yourself!
Of course, this comes with a price. Letting go. Letting go of the negative thoughts and memories, letting go of toxic people, letting go of people who make you unhappy, letting go of things that no longer serve you, letting go of the past and taking only the lessons learnt with you into the present.
It’s a price you should pay to be happy. It may sound like a bad thing, but the right word is “hard”. Letting go is not easy. It’s a really hard decision. It will get you out of your comfort zone which is scary. But once you do it, you’ll feel lighter. A lot lighter and brighter.
How could someone you’ve known for a year suddenly become a stranger? How could that someone you loved so deeply become someone you don’t recognize anymore? How could someone you let into your world feel like someone who doesn’t belong in it? How could a spark that was once so strong suddenly disappear?
It’s heart-ache. It’s the pain that close someone made you feel, even if it wasn’t their intention. It’s the grieving stages. It’s the feeling of loss. It’s the emotion-wreck that your heart feels. It’s what your mind understood but your heart still didn’t get.
The memories are slowly evaporating. I would go back, trying to remember, and then I realize half of my memories are gone. There’s only mini flashbacks left.
The problem lies in the heart. It takes longer to process after it’s been broken. It’s not as strong as it used to be. Emotions crash and you just can’t figure out what you’re feeling or how you feel about that special someone. Some days, you miss them. Some days, you hate them. Some days, you’re curious and stalking. Some days, you don’t give a fuck. Some days, you’re back to pain. Some days, you’re sad and crying on cue. Some days, you’re happy and thankful to them. And some days, you’re peaceful.
It’s a storm of emotions making you doubt that close someone, and their intentions. And when doubting steps in, that close someone becomes a stranger to you.
A devilish, amazing feeling crept in out of the blue. It felt good for a short while until my rationalism woke up from its nap. A loop was forming, almost closing. I got myself out easily the first time. This time it’s different; I have genuine and deeper feelings. I had to get out before I get stuck in this dead-end circle and fall apart. I still had enough time to get out through the loophole; I just had to let go of that loving thought, for good.
I knew exactly how to do that, but I was too fragile and selfish to do it. You may not realize how strong your heart can be until you start falling in love. Your heart, at this point, is mightier than your brain and the damage caused is bigger. My brain and my heart were in battle; my tongue was tied and I couldn’t express anything. He had to get the words out of me, and my heart weakened as I saw him struggle. He was hurt by my actions. So my brain finally took control and untied my tongue. Every word was forced out of my mouth, but eventually, the message was out and clear. We have to let go of each other, for good this time. It was hard and I hated it, yet, it is for the best.
Love and relationships are so simplified by the media. My first relationship isn’t what I expected it to be; it was just like Princess Ann and Joe Bradley in the Roman Holiday. A happy beginning and a painful ending.
It shocks me how silly moments and phases in life can affect you so deeply. They make you crumble apart into small pieces in seconds. At this point, you’re completely lost and can’t figure out how to be complete again and the only way available is the easy way; to get back to that phase.
People come and go. Some stay longer, others end before they even start and a few whom I wished never lasted that long.
I live by two standards in life: Loyalty and Honesty. If you meet those two, at least towards yourself, you can enter my circle. But of course, there are sub-standards for the long-run. It’s actually just one: Can you make time for us? Even if it’s just 5 mins? If not, go away.
Let me tell you a story where I realized something a little too late.
I have only one remaining friend since childhood whom I still talked to, until today. I thought he was a true friend, a close friend. But in reality, he wasn’t. It was until a few days ago that I let the truth in.
When he comes to visit, I am the one who asks about him. I am the one who sets plans to meet. I am the one who persists for another meeting once the first, second and third fails. I am the one who initiates a friendly conversation, which doesn’t last long if it doesn’t feed his interest. He would only initiate a conversation if he wanted something. If we ever meet, pics are rarely to never taken. I shared my deepest secrets with him and he shared none, I came to realize. He also believes that make up and straightening my hair makes me look beautiful. Despite the fact that he knows me well, he still doesn’t know enough.
Why the hell was I still talking to him? I have way better, caring, understanding friends than him! Why is he still an important person in my life when I am not in his. He can’t spare 5 mins of his time to meet and talk! I should’ve never ignored the naked truth and simply let go. I wanted to share the latest highlight in my life, but I’ve been hesitant ever since. So I didn’t. He didn’t seem worth telling.
It’s a little too late now, but it’s better late than never. I’m letting go. Childhood friends … I have none! A few, very special ones remain and I look forward to adding more new special friends along the way in the future.